Monday, 31 May 2010

Oil still flooding into Gulf of Mexico

Oil company executives can't believe their luck, as a fissure in the ocean surface off the coast of Louisiana continues to pump millions of gallons of rich, sumptuous, delicious, life-giving oil directly into the ocean.

In a statement released today, BP - formerly Brutish Pedrolinum, the energy company currently leasing the oil rig situated above this fortuitous discovery - expressed their delight, and pledged to make the most of this rare opportunity.

"It's not every day that you can expect such a monumental find as this," said a spokesman earlier. "I mean, the stuff's everywhere! You can see it from space! We're going to have a tough time knowing what to do with all this oil - and as a multinational oil company, you'd think we'd be well prepared with good ideas on that front."

Nay-sayers and doom-mongers have been tediously trying to put a damper on the general atmosphere of good cheer, claiming that the sea is an inappropriate place for millions of gallons of crude oil to be. Some have even suggested that its presence might be doing some sort of harm.

"The ocean is a delicately balanced eco-system," moaned Jeanette Crispyduck, some sort of dolphin-hugging environmentophile. "Spilling up to 100,000 barrels of oil into it every day will wreak havoc on the wildlife, and could have catastrophic consequences to life on this planet."

But most people believe that this wonderful new oil supply is a bright light, ushering us into a hopeful future free of dependence on alternative fuels. BP say that as soon as they come up with a method for extracting all this newly available oily goodness from all the water unhelpfully diluting it, our troubles will definitely be over for good.

(inspired by... you should probably be able to guess this one)

Friday, 28 May 2010

Sex And The City sequel released

In a move condemned by numerous humanitarian organisations, and denounced by several world governments as "reckless", a sequel to the 2008 film Sex and the City has been released on an unsuspecting public.

Sex and the City 2 has been in production since August 2009, and while many dismissed the threats as mere posturing, New Line Cinema have gone ahead with their plans to distribute it worldwide this week. The amount of enriched uranium required to make the film active has never been disclosed.

Cinema-goers in the US have already reported nausea, vomiting, temporary blindness, PTSD, and malignant tumours, as a result of the damaging effects of the movie. Mental health activists are among those calling for government sanctions to prevent film studios from being able to wreak this kind of havoc in future.

"It was horrifying," wept Nathan Donglebrewster, who lost all the hair on 90% of his body after attending a preview screening yesterday. "I can't even think of it. Don't make me. Please don't make me go back to that place."

"The horror... the horror," he added.

The original 2008 film is estimated to have caused more than $400 million worth of devastation worldwide, and New Line Cinema are heartlessly predicting that the sequel will be an even greater blot on the history of our species.

Sex and the City 2 is released in theatres nationwide today, certificate 15.

(inspired by... actually, if you don't know, I don't want to sully you with it)

Thursday, 27 May 2010

iPad soon to launch in UK

Despite recent delays to its UK release date, the iPad is still set to take British technophiles by storm in coming weeks, meaning that yet more of the world's greatest gadget-loving minds will have a chance to try working out what it's for.

Steve Jobs, the CEO of computing and electronics giant Apple, first set American audiences this puzzle in April of this year, and it immediately captured the nation's interest and provided many happy hours of diversion as they try to figure out why the hell they'd want one of these incredibly expensive things and what it's supposed to do.

From hardcore cryptographers and cryptanalysts, down to everyday consumers who'd normally give no more thought to puzzle-solving than the occasional Su Doku, millions of brains have been kept busy with this enigma.

"I just can't figure it out," said Shane McIan, a fishmonger from Detroit who spent three hours queueing to purchase an iPad on the day of its release. "Sometimes I think I'm getting close, like when I realised I can watch movies on it - but then I remembered how many other things I can watch movies on, which either look better or are far more portable. So that seems like kind of a dead-end. I'm stumped."

"It's changed my life," he added. "It's going to revolutionise the way we do business and consume media in the 21st century. Maybe. Is that it?"

Although he has been generally coy about its solution, Jobs has suggested that some of the discussions taking place on message boards set up for iPad-puzzle enthusiasts are very near to unravelling the mystery.

"Have you tried tilting it at 45 degrees and looking at its surface in a mirror?" he asked, a knowing smile playing across his lips. "Maybe that'll do something. Or maybe you'd be better off looking for something else entirely. Did you notice how shiny it is?"

Several hundred thousand new participants are expected to purchase an iPad and join the race to discover what it's for, after it goes on sale in the UK in June.

(inspired by this)

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

GMC struck off register by Mr Andrew Wakefield

The UK's General Medical Council has been removed from a list of "respectable organisations" recognised by Mr Andrew Wakefield, a press release announced today.

Mr Wakefield, a British man who was once employed as a doctor, came to this decision as the result of a formal hearing which took place this afternoon. The hearing was attended by Mr Wakefield, Mr Wakefield's ego, and a large volume of bitterness and entitlement.

In the release, Mr Wakefield describes his dismay at the "unacceptable nature of the GMC's recent behaviour and practices", which have led him to regard the regulatory body as "unprofessional, irresponsible, and really really mean".

It is speculated that the "behaviours and practices" to which Mr Wakefield refers may include the GMC's recent decision to strike him off the medical register due to serious professional misconduct.

Mr Wakefield also states he has placed the GMC on a watchlist of what he considers to be dangerous organisations "whose oppressive attempts to rein in free enquiry and expression must be stopped". In addition, they are all accused of being "really horrid and not letting me do medicine like I want to and it's not fair."

Among those previously placed on this list are The Sunday Times newspaper, BBC documentary series Horizon, and Mrs Petunia Funt, a retired primary school teacher from Somerset who refused to allow Mr Wakefield (a former student) to purchase blood samples from his classmates in 1963.

The Daily Half-Truth approach the General Medical Council for a statement earlier today, and were told the following:

The General Medical Council are soooo heartbroken and upset that we've been "struck off" by a disreputable, discredited fraud, who persists in harmfully pushing a link between vaccines and autism despite vast methodological holes in his original research and a complete lack of replication of his results. How will we ever cope, knowing that Andrew Wakefield is out there saying horrible things about us? Waaaaaahh!

[all emphasis in original]

Certain commentators are speculating that their response may contain elements of sarcasm.

(inspired by this)

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

UK's coalition government still unstable

A full two weeks after David Cameron assumed the office of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, his coalition government has still not been deemed viable by experts.

The election of May 6th caused the country severe governmental trauma, and the nation's most capable political surgeons had to move fast to ensure that it didn't start haemorrhaging democracy and bleed out. Just as the Conservatives had predicted, the ensuing hung parliament was a disaster that nearly tore a once-great nation apart.

Thankfully, due to skilful emergency intervention, a coalition government was formed, and levels of national turmoil and dissent began to stabilise. However, it remains uncertain whether the current stitched-together arrangement will be able to hold out.

The two coalition party leaders, PM David Cameron and Deputy PM Nick Clegg, are due to return to the operating theatre tonight, where doctors will make another attempt at fusing their two bodies together while allowing them to continue to exist as a viable organism. It is hoped that this difficult sixteen-hour procedure will provide some much-needed solidity, on which the coalition can proceed to build a working government.

Critics of the "First Past The Post" electoral system have pointed out that this kind of dangerous and rarely tested surgery could be avoided completely by implementing a fairer system of voting.

But right-wing activists continue to denounce the genetic engineering processes of proportional representation as "playing God" and "tampering with forces we do not understand".

Monday, 24 May 2010

Admin post

Yep, I'm giving this another try. Check back here for contrived weirdness every weekday.

Lost: 2004 - 2010

The world watched in solemn unison last night, as the final minutes of one of the most beloved icons of our time were broadcast live across the globe.

The hit television show Lost, which first aired on ABC in September 2004, was pronounced dead by network executives yesterday. It was six seasons old.

Many have said that it had been deteriorating visibly in recent years, and its final departure did not come as a shock, as millions of close personal fans stayed with it to the last. It is said to have had a dignified exit from this world.

"It's hard to accept that it's really gone," said Bernice Moneyhonster, a molecular biologist and devotee of the show. "Even when you know it's coming, you never quite believe that the day's going to arrive. I'm glad I was there in the final moments, though. I like to think I helped provide its viewing figures with some modicum of comfort toward the end. It was so young," she sighed, "and had so many contrived and artificial plot twists yet unexplored."

"Seriously, they could've kept that shit up for decades," she added.

Lost had no children, but does leave behind several younger shows which, while not its direct offspring, were greatly influenced by its legacy. A memorial service, scheduled for mid-June, is expected to be attended by Fringe and Warehouse 13.

Tributes from the departed drama's colleagues have been pouring in. While Heroes could not be reached for comment, the Fox drama 24 is quoted as saying: "Lost is dead? No! It can't be!!"

There was then a massive nuclear explosion which devastated the city of Los Angeles.

As a mourning planet begins to move on with their lives, the atmosphere is still universally one of grief and loss, but also relief that at least everyone can stop banging on about that fucking polar bear now.