England celebrates 4th of July

England was engaged in a national holiday yesterday, to celebrate the anniversary of the country's independence from the minor colonial establishment now known as the United States of America.

Fireworks were released across the land, and revellers spent much of the day in a jubilant stupor, as is traditional on this day (as well as on 40-50 other days, or more in certain local areas) each year. This year marked the 234th such festival, since King George III finally managed to shake off those pesky trans-atlantic freeloaders in 1776.

As is also customary among the English on the 4th of July, nobody saw any need to be bitter or resentful about the fact that these colonies have gone on to do sort of alright without us, I suppose.

There was also a complete absence of sarcasm or irony directed at the so-called United States, in accordance with the well-known British character.

News from across the ocean has been scarce for the past couple of centuries, as the colonies very rarely write to let us know how we're doing, particularly since we asked them not to. But it seems as though they're struggling a bit at the moment financially, the poor things, and judging by how many fights they seem to keep getting into lately I think they could have fallen in with a bad crowd.

Nevertheless, as was evinced yesterday, the prevailing attitude among most of Europe is that we're doing quite well without them, thank you very much. The fact that we're fine and didn't need that stupid continent anyway was celebrated with a record 6,158 pyrotechnic-related injuries over the weekend, including 223 fatal accidents.

Holy Grail found in Bromley

The Holy Grail was discovered yesterday in a theatre in Bromley, ending centuries of speculation and mystery surrounding its fate.

The sacred object central to Christian tradition, said to be the cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper, has been the subject of myth, legend, conspiracy, fable, and fantasy for nearly two millennia. Although several churches throughout the ages have claimed to possess the Grail, the truth had never been finally settled.

But now, thanks to the bravery and dedication of Arthur, King of the Britons, and his loyal knights, the Grail has at last been found, and the final chapter has closed on an epoch of enigma.

Their quest was an arduous one, and will no doubt be the subject of far greater ballads than the brief recounting I can offer here. The noble king was mocked by rude French people, withstood a bovine catapult onslaught, had "Ni" shouted at him, was politically lectured at by disgruntled peasants, did battle with a surprisingly persistent black knight, and fearlessly challenged an evil rabbit in combat.

It was after this last foe was vanquished that they at last found the clue which led them to discover the Grail, under the seat of an entirely unsuspecting and rather shaken theatre-goer.

Although of course most of the credit must lie with His Majesty the King and his bold adventurers, this man was also fortunate enough to briefly become a part of a quest for the Grail, and joined the knights as they celebrated this momentous victory.

In recognition of this honour, he was presented with a certificate acknowledging him as the Best Peasant, and a tin of spam, and was applauded by hundreds of onlookers.

(Inspired by what actually, genuinely happened to me when I went to see Spamalot at the Churchill Theatre last night. Seriously. There'll be a more straight-forwardly detailed write-up somewhere else this weekend.)

The news returns tomorrow

In the interest of remaining true to this blog's name and being half-truthful:

I have had a very exciting and eventful evening ... and ... This blog is totally going to be updated as normal with a proper entry today.

You do the maths.