iPhone version 4 released

Mere days after the much-hyped iPad hit UK stores, Apple have released a new version of the iPhone, just to fuck with you.

Consumers are struggling to keep up the frantic pace being set by our corporate overlords, but many are successfully pulling together the funds and resources needed to continue looking cool, in the never-ending race against nerd fashion.

General agreement among followers is that you ought to be out getting your new iPhone right now, if you don't want to look like a dick.

"If you're still using one of the old iPhones that was cool last week, you're going to have at least three months of everyone thinking you're a complete tool, until the next new one," said technophile and antiphilatelist Marmaduke Hislop. "Nobody's using those things any more. All those thousands of people still using their slightly older iPhones to do almost everything my new $600 advance model can do? They're nobodies.

"Wait," he added, "are you writing this down? On, like, paper? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise this interview was for a Renn Fayre quarterly."

Other followers of the grand high Lords of Apple are less enthused, though continue to profess their devotion to their glorious leaders with as much fervour as they can muster. Venetia Pufflehuff, a systems analyst from Devon, looked haggard as she tried to speak to us.

"They told me there's a new thing," she explained. "Old things not good any more. I think this one's another iPhone. Maybe it will help my children eat.

"Do you want an iPhone 3GS? I need the money for the new thing, but it's still good... I mean, it... it can still..." Ms Pufflehuff tried to continue, but broke off into incoherent sobs.

The new iPhone launches worldwide this month, and Apple are confident that the numbers of associated muggings, smash-and-grabs, riots, and suicides will all be significantly down on last time.

(inspired by this)

iPad soon to launch in UK

Despite recent delays to its UK release date, the iPad is still set to take British technophiles by storm in coming weeks, meaning that yet more of the world's greatest gadget-loving minds will have a chance to try working out what it's for.

Steve Jobs, the CEO of computing and electronics giant Apple, first set American audiences this puzzle in April of this year, and it immediately captured the nation's interest and provided many happy hours of diversion as they try to figure out why the hell they'd want one of these incredibly expensive things and what it's supposed to do.

From hardcore cryptographers and cryptanalysts, down to everyday consumers who'd normally give no more thought to puzzle-solving than the occasional Su Doku, millions of brains have been kept busy with this enigma.

"I just can't figure it out," said Shane McIan, a fishmonger from Detroit who spent three hours queueing to purchase an iPad on the day of its release. "Sometimes I think I'm getting close, like when I realised I can watch movies on it - but then I remembered how many other things I can watch movies on, which either look better or are far more portable. So that seems like kind of a dead-end. I'm stumped."

"It's changed my life," he added. "It's going to revolutionise the way we do business and consume media in the 21st century. Maybe. Is that it?"

Although he has been generally coy about its solution, Jobs has suggested that some of the discussions taking place on message boards set up for iPad-puzzle enthusiasts are very near to unravelling the mystery.

"Have you tried tilting it at 45 degrees and looking at its surface in a mirror?" he asked, a knowing smile playing across his lips. "Maybe that'll do something. Or maybe you'd be better off looking for something else entirely. Did you notice how shiny it is?"

Several hundred thousand new participants are expected to purchase an iPad and join the race to discover what it's for, after it goes on sale in the UK in June.

(inspired by this)