George Osborne has described the necessity of an "emergency budgie" in order to save the UK's economy from collapse.
The Chancellor announced recently that urgently enlisting the aid of a type of Australian parrot - specifically a member of the species Melopsittacus undulatus - was the only way to prevent a serious financial meltdown in this country.
It is currently unclear exactly how Mr Osborne intends to employ a small bird in setting our nation back on the path to economic recovery, but he has insisted that he knows what he's doing, and will be setting out a four-year plan in the coming days.
Although budgies are often kept as pets, they have rarely received such high-profile acclaim as to be asked to rescue the infrastructure of an entire country. Animal sanctuary worker Patricia Fongletrot reacted to the news with particular-
Um. Hang on...
...Budget. He said an emergency budget. Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
I am so fired.
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Monday, 21 June 2010
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Gaza flotilla raid stirs international controversy
The government of Israel have responded to the seizure of an aid convoy by the Israeli navy on Monday. The convoy was carrying much-needed supplies to Gaza, and the raid resulted in the deaths of nine people aboard.
The actions of Israeli forces have caused great controversy and global discussion. But a statement made by the Israeli government earlier today has, much to everyone's surprise, acknowledged at least partial culpability, and admitted responsibility for grievous errors on behalf of the government of Israel.
Government spokesmen stressed the need for a thorough and impartial investigation into the incident, and acknowledged the very real possibility that their own country was at fault.
Officials from other governments, as well as news reporters and journalists, are still unsure of how to respond to this development, and the press room in which it was announced was filled with many uncertain exchanged glances. But a growing consensus is forming that, contrary to the commonly socially acceptable notion, it may be okay to criticise Israel this time.
This shift in tensions has been welcomed by those working toward achieving a Middle Eastern peace accord.
"This is an important landmark we've reached today," said Iris Kobblepop, Professor of Foreign Politics at the University of Liff. "Israel have acknowledged that they are not always totally above blame, and perhaps this will make it easier for others to objectively assess Israeli politics and make legitimate and rational criticisms in future, without automatically being branded as anti-Semitic."
"However much you support their right to exist, nobody should be above reproach if they act like dicks," she summarised.
Actor Lem Bigson's response was of a somewhat different tone.
"It's gratifying to see the importance of this event being recognised worldwide, and it's about time everyone started to acknowledge the role of the Jews in the conspiracy of global oppression," he said, but he was quickly shushed by several of his colleagues, and his comments were described by onlookers as "really not helping, dude".
(inspired by this - and honestly, I'm aware of how out of my depth I am and have no idea what I'm satirising or whether I'm trying to make some sort of point, so don't worry about it too much)
The actions of Israeli forces have caused great controversy and global discussion. But a statement made by the Israeli government earlier today has, much to everyone's surprise, acknowledged at least partial culpability, and admitted responsibility for grievous errors on behalf of the government of Israel.
Government spokesmen stressed the need for a thorough and impartial investigation into the incident, and acknowledged the very real possibility that their own country was at fault.
Officials from other governments, as well as news reporters and journalists, are still unsure of how to respond to this development, and the press room in which it was announced was filled with many uncertain exchanged glances. But a growing consensus is forming that, contrary to the commonly socially acceptable notion, it may be okay to criticise Israel this time.
This shift in tensions has been welcomed by those working toward achieving a Middle Eastern peace accord.
"This is an important landmark we've reached today," said Iris Kobblepop, Professor of Foreign Politics at the University of Liff. "Israel have acknowledged that they are not always totally above blame, and perhaps this will make it easier for others to objectively assess Israeli politics and make legitimate and rational criticisms in future, without automatically being branded as anti-Semitic."
"However much you support their right to exist, nobody should be above reproach if they act like dicks," she summarised.
Actor Lem Bigson's response was of a somewhat different tone.
"It's gratifying to see the importance of this event being recognised worldwide, and it's about time everyone started to acknowledge the role of the Jews in the conspiracy of global oppression," he said, but he was quickly shushed by several of his colleagues, and his comments were described by onlookers as "really not helping, dude".
(inspired by this - and honestly, I'm aware of how out of my depth I am and have no idea what I'm satirising or whether I'm trying to make some sort of point, so don't worry about it too much)
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
UK's coalition government still unstable
A full two weeks after David Cameron assumed the office of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, his coalition government has still not been deemed viable by experts.
The election of May 6th caused the country severe governmental trauma, and the nation's most capable political surgeons had to move fast to ensure that it didn't start haemorrhaging democracy and bleed out. Just as the Conservatives had predicted, the ensuing hung parliament was a disaster that nearly tore a once-great nation apart.
Thankfully, due to skilful emergency intervention, a coalition government was formed, and levels of national turmoil and dissent began to stabilise. However, it remains uncertain whether the current stitched-together arrangement will be able to hold out.
The two coalition party leaders, PM David Cameron and Deputy PM Nick Clegg, are due to return to the operating theatre tonight, where doctors will make another attempt at fusing their two bodies together while allowing them to continue to exist as a viable organism. It is hoped that this difficult sixteen-hour procedure will provide some much-needed solidity, on which the coalition can proceed to build a working government.
Critics of the "First Past The Post" electoral system have pointed out that this kind of dangerous and rarely tested surgery could be avoided completely by implementing a fairer system of voting.
But right-wing activists continue to denounce the genetic engineering processes of proportional representation as "playing God" and "tampering with forces we do not understand".
The election of May 6th caused the country severe governmental trauma, and the nation's most capable political surgeons had to move fast to ensure that it didn't start haemorrhaging democracy and bleed out. Just as the Conservatives had predicted, the ensuing hung parliament was a disaster that nearly tore a once-great nation apart.
Thankfully, due to skilful emergency intervention, a coalition government was formed, and levels of national turmoil and dissent began to stabilise. However, it remains uncertain whether the current stitched-together arrangement will be able to hold out.
The two coalition party leaders, PM David Cameron and Deputy PM Nick Clegg, are due to return to the operating theatre tonight, where doctors will make another attempt at fusing their two bodies together while allowing them to continue to exist as a viable organism. It is hoped that this difficult sixteen-hour procedure will provide some much-needed solidity, on which the coalition can proceed to build a working government.
Critics of the "First Past The Post" electoral system have pointed out that this kind of dangerous and rarely tested surgery could be avoided completely by implementing a fairer system of voting.
But right-wing activists continue to denounce the genetic engineering processes of proportional representation as "playing God" and "tampering with forces we do not understand".
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