Holy Grail found in Bromley

The Holy Grail was discovered yesterday in a theatre in Bromley, ending centuries of speculation and mystery surrounding its fate.

The sacred object central to Christian tradition, said to be the cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper, has been the subject of myth, legend, conspiracy, fable, and fantasy for nearly two millennia. Although several churches throughout the ages have claimed to possess the Grail, the truth had never been finally settled.

But now, thanks to the bravery and dedication of Arthur, King of the Britons, and his loyal knights, the Grail has at last been found, and the final chapter has closed on an epoch of enigma.

Their quest was an arduous one, and will no doubt be the subject of far greater ballads than the brief recounting I can offer here. The noble king was mocked by rude French people, withstood a bovine catapult onslaught, had "Ni" shouted at him, was politically lectured at by disgruntled peasants, did battle with a surprisingly persistent black knight, and fearlessly challenged an evil rabbit in combat.

It was after this last foe was vanquished that they at last found the clue which led them to discover the Grail, under the seat of an entirely unsuspecting and rather shaken theatre-goer.

Although of course most of the credit must lie with His Majesty the King and his bold adventurers, this man was also fortunate enough to briefly become a part of a quest for the Grail, and joined the knights as they celebrated this momentous victory.

In recognition of this honour, he was presented with a certificate acknowledging him as the Best Peasant, and a tin of spam, and was applauded by hundreds of onlookers.

(Inspired by what actually, genuinely happened to me when I went to see Spamalot at the Churchill Theatre last night. Seriously. There'll be a more straight-forwardly detailed write-up somewhere else this weekend.)