This was fun, but I can't keep it up.
(I think maybe the words "be bothered to" were missing from that sentence.)
Monday, 30 November 2009
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Men think about sex every 7.3 seconds, new measurements reveal
New research into the frequency with which sex crosses men's minds has revealed this week that scientists' previous estimate was somewhat inaccurate.
The fact that "men think about sex every seven seconds" has been so widely established and generally accepted by the scientific community for so long, that it has become a widespread truism whose empirical origins are often unknown by those repeating it as an interesting tidbit of trivia. But data gathered recently in experiments performed at Maudlin College, Oxbridge, have refined results that had been universally considered factually solid.
"This has profound implications in many fields of science," said Professor Fringlebert Zuppp, chief researcher on the project for the whole of its eight-month duration. "It may seem like a minor adjustment to a well understood natural law, but it goes to show that even the most solid, firm, pert scientific theory can be overturned or altered by the objective assessment of new tits."
"Evidence," Professor Zuppp added, looking slightly flustered. "I meant to say evidence. Not tits. Sorry. Mind wandering a little."
As these results are replicated and verified in other labs across the world, scientists are beginning to speculate on what other facts often taken for granted may turn out to be less certain than was once thought. Already a growing campaign exists for the "five-second law", regarding the time-frame in which it is considered safe to pick up food that has been dropped on the floor, to be replaced by the "four-point-three-seconds law" in the interests of public health.
The fact that "men think about sex every seven seconds" has been so widely established and generally accepted by the scientific community for so long, that it has become a widespread truism whose empirical origins are often unknown by those repeating it as an interesting tidbit of trivia. But data gathered recently in experiments performed at Maudlin College, Oxbridge, have refined results that had been universally considered factually solid.
"This has profound implications in many fields of science," said Professor Fringlebert Zuppp, chief researcher on the project for the whole of its eight-month duration. "It may seem like a minor adjustment to a well understood natural law, but it goes to show that even the most solid, firm, pert scientific theory can be overturned or altered by the objective assessment of new tits."
"Evidence," Professor Zuppp added, looking slightly flustered. "I meant to say evidence. Not tits. Sorry. Mind wandering a little."
As these results are replicated and verified in other labs across the world, scientists are beginning to speculate on what other facts often taken for granted may turn out to be less certain than was once thought. Already a growing campaign exists for the "five-second law", regarding the time-frame in which it is considered safe to pick up food that has been dropped on the floor, to be replaced by the "four-point-three-seconds law" in the interests of public health.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
LHC operational - mankind wins hide-and-seek against God
The Large Hadron Collider achieved its long-awaited goal and then some yesterday, when God came out of apparent hiding as a direct result of its operation.
Scientists had hoped that the five mile wide particle accelerator based near Geneva, Switzerland, would provide empirical evidence supporting the existence of the hypothetical Higgs boson, known informally as the "God particle". This nickname was thought only to be a reference to the particle's importance, but turned out to be rather more literal when God himself manifested at CERN during an otherwise routine procedure.
The event is being hailed as the first truly undisputed instance of divine visitation in human history. God, as we now know, had done such a good job of hiding from us, that no consensus as to any aspect of his nature had ever successfully been reached, with some groups questioning even his very existence.
"Well, you found me," were the first words uttered by the creator of the Universe to mankind, according to several badly shaken physicists who had been present at his abrupt arrival. "It didn't take you that many billion years, either. You must be really good at seeking."
"Now I'll count to a quadrillion, and you guys all hide," he added.
Scientists had hoped that the five mile wide particle accelerator based near Geneva, Switzerland, would provide empirical evidence supporting the existence of the hypothetical Higgs boson, known informally as the "God particle". This nickname was thought only to be a reference to the particle's importance, but turned out to be rather more literal when God himself manifested at CERN during an otherwise routine procedure.
The event is being hailed as the first truly undisputed instance of divine visitation in human history. God, as we now know, had done such a good job of hiding from us, that no consensus as to any aspect of his nature had ever successfully been reached, with some groups questioning even his very existence.
"Well, you found me," were the first words uttered by the creator of the Universe to mankind, according to several badly shaken physicists who had been present at his abrupt arrival. "It didn't take you that many billion years, either. You must be really good at seeking."
"Now I'll count to a quadrillion, and you guys all hide," he added.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
"Dr Brooke Magnanti" identity revealed
The secret identity of PhD scientist Dr Brooke Magnanti has finally been revealed this week, as well known call-girl and writer Belle de Jour admitted to being the one behind the enigmatic persona.
The truth behind just who "Dr Magnanti" really was has been the subject of much debate in recent years, and has held the nation's attention ever since she began work in her specialist area of developmental neurotoxicology in Bristol. Speculation has been rife about the woman - though some doubted even the basic fact of her gender - behind this elusive character, ranging from the mundane to the bizarre. Some commentators suggested that she was the estranged sister of Piers Morgan, and hid the truth about her background to avoid the negative association.
In the far fringes of uninformed guesswork, it was also mooted that she was in fact Shergar.
But the debate was settled when Belle de Jour outed herself as being the real Dr Magnanti, saying only that it "feels like a good time" to reveal it now. She admitted to being nervous about how her friends and family, who know her only as a blog-writing prostitute, will react to learning that she's secretly been working as an epidemiologist researching the effects of exposure to the pesticide chlorpyrifos on foetuses and infants, but is sure that those closest to her will understand.
The truth behind just who "Dr Magnanti" really was has been the subject of much debate in recent years, and has held the nation's attention ever since she began work in her specialist area of developmental neurotoxicology in Bristol. Speculation has been rife about the woman - though some doubted even the basic fact of her gender - behind this elusive character, ranging from the mundane to the bizarre. Some commentators suggested that she was the estranged sister of Piers Morgan, and hid the truth about her background to avoid the negative association.
In the far fringes of uninformed guesswork, it was also mooted that she was in fact Shergar.
But the debate was settled when Belle de Jour outed herself as being the real Dr Magnanti, saying only that it "feels like a good time" to reveal it now. She admitted to being nervous about how her friends and family, who know her only as a blog-writing prostitute, will react to learning that she's secretly been working as an epidemiologist researching the effects of exposure to the pesticide chlorpyrifos on foetuses and infants, but is sure that those closest to her will understand.
Monday, 16 November 2009
In memoriam
The Daily Half-Truth will not be published as usual today, out of respect for everyone who has ever tragically lost their lives on November 16th.
Friday, 13 November 2009
Beauty queen says something unimportant, is attractive naked
Carrie Prejean, winner of the Miss California USA pageant for 2009, featured in a "sex tape" leaked to the internet recently, and also said some things a while ago that don't really matter.
The 22-year-old model appears alone in the video footage, which has sparked controversy due to its erotic nature, and to claims made by Prejean that she was 17 at the time of its filming. She first came to national prominence when responding to a question about same-sex marriage during the Miss USA pageant, but this was generally agreed to be of very little concern to anyone interested primarily in visually admiring attractive young women.
"That Kerry Pray-jun, yeah, she's hot," said Dwight M. Daberhasher, a 43-year-old trucker from Massachusetts, when asked his views on the controversy. "Apparently she said something about gay marriage that one time, which might not have been as progressive as you might hope for, but I wasn't really listening too closely when the woman whose job is to be pretty and smile started talking about politics."
"She's entitled to her opinions, and all," he added. "I'm just not that interested in them."
Another contestant in the Miss USA pageant, Amanda Snibblington, is thought to have expressed an opinion on the war in Iraq recently, but since she was displaying her stunningly beautiful 19-year-old body in a bikini at the time, nobody has yet taken any notice of what she was saying.
The 22-year-old model appears alone in the video footage, which has sparked controversy due to its erotic nature, and to claims made by Prejean that she was 17 at the time of its filming. She first came to national prominence when responding to a question about same-sex marriage during the Miss USA pageant, but this was generally agreed to be of very little concern to anyone interested primarily in visually admiring attractive young women.
"That Kerry Pray-jun, yeah, she's hot," said Dwight M. Daberhasher, a 43-year-old trucker from Massachusetts, when asked his views on the controversy. "Apparently she said something about gay marriage that one time, which might not have been as progressive as you might hope for, but I wasn't really listening too closely when the woman whose job is to be pretty and smile started talking about politics."
"She's entitled to her opinions, and all," he added. "I'm just not that interested in them."
Another contestant in the Miss USA pageant, Amanda Snibblington, is thought to have expressed an opinion on the war in Iraq recently, but since she was displaying her stunningly beautiful 19-year-old body in a bikini at the time, nobody has yet taken any notice of what she was saying.
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Washington sniper executed
John Allen Muhammad, the mastermind behind the "Washington sniper" attacks in which ten people were killed during October 2002, was executed by the state on Tuesday.
His death was the first in a trial series of themed punishments being rolled out across the country by the newly formed "Agency of Ironic Retribution". Accordingly, he was shot in the head at a distance of 300 yards from the boot of a car.
The exact purpose of rendering capital or corporal punishment more narratively pleasing at great financial expense has never been fully explained, but this project has strong governmental support across the US. Numerous senators and members of Congress have spoken in favour of the programme, and of the need to bring some truly creative minds to the project, to come up with new punishments that are really, deliciously ironic, while at the same time not flouting national law or the Geneva Convention too blatantly.
Suggested forms of execution for future offenders include:
- Kidnappers (when the total conviction is deemed a capital offence) to be held in an airtight cell until expiration.
- Child abusers to be hypnotically regressed to pre-adolescence and psychologically tormented.
- School shooters to be shackled to a desk in a classroom and made to write out all the chemical components of the lethal injection they are about to receive 100 times (the quality of their handwriting to be graded before the injection is administered).
- Terrorists to be introduced to a typical "water-boarding" scenario, interrogated, and then actually drowned.
These ideas have not been formally approved as yet, and questions into their possibly inhumane nature are due to be addressed before any decisions are made.
Civil rights campaigners have lambasted the plans to increase AIR's role, calling it "yet further trivialisation of our deplorable attitude to the sanctity of human life". Irate grammarians have also made been protesting AIR, on the grounds that the penalties being enacted are not good examples of true irony.
His death was the first in a trial series of themed punishments being rolled out across the country by the newly formed "Agency of Ironic Retribution". Accordingly, he was shot in the head at a distance of 300 yards from the boot of a car.
The exact purpose of rendering capital or corporal punishment more narratively pleasing at great financial expense has never been fully explained, but this project has strong governmental support across the US. Numerous senators and members of Congress have spoken in favour of the programme, and of the need to bring some truly creative minds to the project, to come up with new punishments that are really, deliciously ironic, while at the same time not flouting national law or the Geneva Convention too blatantly.
Suggested forms of execution for future offenders include:
- Kidnappers (when the total conviction is deemed a capital offence) to be held in an airtight cell until expiration.
- Child abusers to be hypnotically regressed to pre-adolescence and psychologically tormented.
- School shooters to be shackled to a desk in a classroom and made to write out all the chemical components of the lethal injection they are about to receive 100 times (the quality of their handwriting to be graded before the injection is administered).
- Terrorists to be introduced to a typical "water-boarding" scenario, interrogated, and then actually drowned.
These ideas have not been formally approved as yet, and questions into their possibly inhumane nature are due to be addressed before any decisions are made.
Civil rights campaigners have lambasted the plans to increase AIR's role, calling it "yet further trivialisation of our deplorable attitude to the sanctity of human life". Irate grammarians have also made been protesting AIR, on the grounds that the penalties being enacted are not good examples of true irony.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Modern Warfare 2 released
The much-anticipated video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was released globally yesterday, much to the delight of parents and authority figures across the world.
The new first-person shooter, published by Activision, gives players the chance to control the character of an elite commando and engage in a series of undercover military missions. The realism with which the violence and gore is depicted is as intense as has come to be expected of the genre, and like the previous games in the series, the game has received considerable praise from parents' and teachers' organisations, law enforcement agencies, politicians, and children's advocacy groups, as a safe and effective way of restraining the murderous urges of every adolescent on the planet.
"Games like Modern Warfare 2 allow young people to indulge in all the sick, homicidal fantasies that we all know plague their every waking thought," said Bilbert Omphalomph, spokesman for activist group Concerned Citizens For Violent Video Games, in a statement yesterday. "This plays a vital role in mollifying the today's youth, and making teenagers far less likely to be tempted to turn their explosive criminal rage on the rest of us."
Science has repeatedly shown that all young people, especially those who might play violent video games that are intended for more adult players and given an 18 certificate, are barely controlled and tightly wound balls of fury, simmering just below boiling point, constantly on the verge of being pushed over the edge and slaughtering dozens of their classmates. Even in children who have never shown any signs of aggression and in whom no conscious or unconscious thoughts or urges of bloody murder can be detected, a scientist has done some science and found that it's always true, about all of them.
The arrival of a new peaceful outlet by which gamers can inflict brutal head injuries on mere simulations of innocent citizens comes as a great relief to many. After popular non-violent platformer Fluffy the Kitten's Adventure World of Cake and Hugs was released last month, the rate of neck-stabbing incidents in US schools spiked by 3000%.
The new first-person shooter, published by Activision, gives players the chance to control the character of an elite commando and engage in a series of undercover military missions. The realism with which the violence and gore is depicted is as intense as has come to be expected of the genre, and like the previous games in the series, the game has received considerable praise from parents' and teachers' organisations, law enforcement agencies, politicians, and children's advocacy groups, as a safe and effective way of restraining the murderous urges of every adolescent on the planet.
"Games like Modern Warfare 2 allow young people to indulge in all the sick, homicidal fantasies that we all know plague their every waking thought," said Bilbert Omphalomph, spokesman for activist group Concerned Citizens For Violent Video Games, in a statement yesterday. "This plays a vital role in mollifying the today's youth, and making teenagers far less likely to be tempted to turn their explosive criminal rage on the rest of us."
Science has repeatedly shown that all young people, especially those who might play violent video games that are intended for more adult players and given an 18 certificate, are barely controlled and tightly wound balls of fury, simmering just below boiling point, constantly on the verge of being pushed over the edge and slaughtering dozens of their classmates. Even in children who have never shown any signs of aggression and in whom no conscious or unconscious thoughts or urges of bloody murder can be detected, a scientist has done some science and found that it's always true, about all of them.
The arrival of a new peaceful outlet by which gamers can inflict brutal head injuries on mere simulations of innocent citizens comes as a great relief to many. After popular non-violent platformer Fluffy the Kitten's Adventure World of Cake and Hugs was released last month, the rate of neck-stabbing incidents in US schools spiked by 3000%.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Actor's secret life as journalist revealed
New documentary film The Men Who Stare At Goats hit cinemas this past week, and revealed to the world a number of shocking truths brought to light by actor Ewan McGregor, in his surprising undercover role as an investigative journalist.
The star of Trainspotting and Moulin Rouge reveals in his latest release that, in the early years of this decade, he spent many months doing research into the US military's exploration of paranormal and New Age concepts. The well known actor attained a surprising level of access, earning the trust of many leading psychic researchers employed by the army.
"I didn't use my real name, obviously," said McGregor, in response to questions about how one of the world's most bankable film stars managed to pass as an unknown journalist and surreptitiously acquire such impressive footage. "And if anyone ever noticed a resemblance between 'Bob Wilton' and someone they'd seen in Star Wars, they didn't mention anything."
When asked how he'd managed to continue operating his cameras and recording equipment in such hostile conditions as an Iraqi terrorist prison, he shuffled awkwardly and changed the subject.
The film is now showing in cinemas nationwide, and was based on the 2004 book of the same name, written by McGregor under a pseudonym.
The star of Trainspotting and Moulin Rouge reveals in his latest release that, in the early years of this decade, he spent many months doing research into the US military's exploration of paranormal and New Age concepts. The well known actor attained a surprising level of access, earning the trust of many leading psychic researchers employed by the army.
"I didn't use my real name, obviously," said McGregor, in response to questions about how one of the world's most bankable film stars managed to pass as an unknown journalist and surreptitiously acquire such impressive footage. "And if anyone ever noticed a resemblance between 'Bob Wilton' and someone they'd seen in Star Wars, they didn't mention anything."
When asked how he'd managed to continue operating his cameras and recording equipment in such hostile conditions as an Iraqi terrorist prison, he shuffled awkwardly and changed the subject.
The film is now showing in cinemas nationwide, and was based on the 2004 book of the same name, written by McGregor under a pseudonym.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Michael Jackson séance unfortunately a failure
An attempt to psychically contact the spirit of deceased music legend Michael Jackson, which aired live in the UK on Friday night, sadly did not achieve this desired aim - and nobody was more disappointed than psychic Derek Acorah.
"I really thought we were going to get somewhere with this," Acorah said in a discussion segment at the end of the hour-long show. "I really thought our chances were good of magically reaching through to another plane of existence and communicating with the dead soul of the King of Pop from whatever fantastical realm he might now inhabit. But, though I had been optimistic, he didn't seem to be present."
The disappointment was heightened by the fact that, for the first ten minutes or so, Derek did seem to be truly receiving answers from the beyond, as he asked the singer questions out loud. Those of Jackson's friends and family who were present were obviously very emotionally moved, and in many cases tearful, to be told that their dearly departed was in fact present, and was passing on messages of love and peace through Acorah.
"But then I realised that there was just no reason to take it seriously," Acorah admitted. "As much as I would like to be able to offer genuine reassurances to the deceased's loved ones, I really don't think I was actually channeling Michael in any sense. It's far more likely that I just felt so personally invested in things, and had promised so much in bringing all these people here and persuading so many to watch at home, that I managed to convince myself that the thoughts I was having were coming from Michael's spirit, and that the creative workings of my own vivid imagination were something more ethereal and miraculous."
"Obviously I couldn't keep a charade like that up," he continued, "however embarrassing or humiliating it might be to admit to a complete failure and utter lack of psychic ability at this stage in my career. It would be entirely unethical. There'd be no way I could live with myself, knowing I was the sort of person who could be so disingenuous and toy with people's emotions for my own personal gain."
Acorah spoke humbly and at length, and closed the show what was widely regarded as an eloquent and fittingly touching reminder of the importance of honesty and integrity, particularly when dealing with such an evocative subject.
Next week on Sky 1, Derek Ogilvie reads some babies' minds and tells their parents about all the ways they're screwing up their children.
"I really thought we were going to get somewhere with this," Acorah said in a discussion segment at the end of the hour-long show. "I really thought our chances were good of magically reaching through to another plane of existence and communicating with the dead soul of the King of Pop from whatever fantastical realm he might now inhabit. But, though I had been optimistic, he didn't seem to be present."
The disappointment was heightened by the fact that, for the first ten minutes or so, Derek did seem to be truly receiving answers from the beyond, as he asked the singer questions out loud. Those of Jackson's friends and family who were present were obviously very emotionally moved, and in many cases tearful, to be told that their dearly departed was in fact present, and was passing on messages of love and peace through Acorah.
"But then I realised that there was just no reason to take it seriously," Acorah admitted. "As much as I would like to be able to offer genuine reassurances to the deceased's loved ones, I really don't think I was actually channeling Michael in any sense. It's far more likely that I just felt so personally invested in things, and had promised so much in bringing all these people here and persuading so many to watch at home, that I managed to convince myself that the thoughts I was having were coming from Michael's spirit, and that the creative workings of my own vivid imagination were something more ethereal and miraculous."
"Obviously I couldn't keep a charade like that up," he continued, "however embarrassing or humiliating it might be to admit to a complete failure and utter lack of psychic ability at this stage in my career. It would be entirely unethical. There'd be no way I could live with myself, knowing I was the sort of person who could be so disingenuous and toy with people's emotions for my own personal gain."
Acorah spoke humbly and at length, and closed the show what was widely regarded as an eloquent and fittingly touching reminder of the importance of honesty and integrity, particularly when dealing with such an evocative subject.
Next week on Sky 1, Derek Ogilvie reads some babies' minds and tells their parents about all the ways they're screwing up their children.
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