Monday, 5 July 2010

England celebrates 4th of July

England was engaged in a national holiday yesterday, to celebrate the anniversary of the country's independence from the minor colonial establishment now known as the United States of America.

Fireworks were released across the land, and revellers spent much of the day in a jubilant stupor, as is traditional on this day (as well as on 40-50 other days, or more in certain local areas) each year. This year marked the 234th such festival, since King George III finally managed to shake off those pesky trans-atlantic freeloaders in 1776.

As is also customary among the English on the 4th of July, nobody saw any need to be bitter or resentful about the fact that these colonies have gone on to do sort of alright without us, I suppose.

There was also a complete absence of sarcasm or irony directed at the so-called United States, in accordance with the well-known British character.

News from across the ocean has been scarce for the past couple of centuries, as the colonies very rarely write to let us know how we're doing, particularly since we asked them not to. But it seems as though they're struggling a bit at the moment financially, the poor things, and judging by how many fights they seem to keep getting into lately I think they could have fallen in with a bad crowd.

Nevertheless, as was evinced yesterday, the prevailing attitude among most of Europe is that we're doing quite well without them, thank you very much. The fact that we're fine and didn't need that stupid continent anyway was celebrated with a record 6,158 pyrotechnic-related injuries over the weekend, including 223 fatal accidents.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Holy Grail found in Bromley

The Holy Grail was discovered yesterday in a theatre in Bromley, ending centuries of speculation and mystery surrounding its fate.

The sacred object central to Christian tradition, said to be the cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper, has been the subject of myth, legend, conspiracy, fable, and fantasy for nearly two millennia. Although several churches throughout the ages have claimed to possess the Grail, the truth had never been finally settled.

But now, thanks to the bravery and dedication of Arthur, King of the Britons, and his loyal knights, the Grail has at last been found, and the final chapter has closed on an epoch of enigma.

Their quest was an arduous one, and will no doubt be the subject of far greater ballads than the brief recounting I can offer here. The noble king was mocked by rude French people, withstood a bovine catapult onslaught, had "Ni" shouted at him, was politically lectured at by disgruntled peasants, did battle with a surprisingly persistent black knight, and fearlessly challenged an evil rabbit in combat.

It was after this last foe was vanquished that they at last found the clue which led them to discover the Grail, under the seat of an entirely unsuspecting and rather shaken theatre-goer.

Although of course most of the credit must lie with His Majesty the King and his bold adventurers, this man was also fortunate enough to briefly become a part of a quest for the Grail, and joined the knights as they celebrated this momentous victory.

In recognition of this honour, he was presented with a certificate acknowledging him as the Best Peasant, and a tin of spam, and was applauded by hundreds of onlookers.

(Inspired by what actually, genuinely happened to me when I went to see Spamalot at the Churchill Theatre last night. Seriously. There'll be a more straight-forwardly detailed write-up somewhere else this weekend.)

Thursday, 1 July 2010

The news returns tomorrow

In the interest of remaining true to this blog's name and being half-truthful:

I have had a very exciting and eventful evening ... and ... This blog is totally going to be updated as normal with a proper entry today.

You do the maths.

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Tennis match wastes substantial chunk of blogger's life

A new world record was set last week when a tennis match went on for fucking ever.

Your intrepid reporter was sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair for, like, days to report on the big sporting events at Wimbledon, but it was just the same thing going on and on and on until I was seriously contemplating ways to take my own life.

Because of some stupid rule that means you can't win by only one point, or something, the last set had to keep on going until they'd played 138 games. Seriously, a hundred and thirty-eight games of tennis, just in that last set. You know how many games they'd played in the first four sets, in total? Forty-five.

You could easily get a complete match finished in well under 138 games. In fact, that's just what's happened in every tennis match that's ever been played before.

And have you seen how monotonous that game is? The ball goes over the net one way, then it goes back over the net the other way. And so on. For three days. Sometimes it'll go into the net instead, or just bounce away without being hit at all. This is the glittering variety of the sport that captures the nation every sodding summer.

Cricketers were shaking their heads with impatience by the end, unable to believe that a single sporting event could be dragged out so interminably. Fucking cricketers.

Other spectators who'd paid huge sums of money for live tickets were thrilled and enraptured by the days-long ordeal, and raved wildly about the excitement of watching the same two people do the same damn thing for three actual days before they came to any kind of resolution on the massively important issue of which one of them is fractionally better at tennis than the other.

One such spectator, Malexander Testiclave, said: nothing, because I've just made him up, because I didn't want to drag out the agony any longer by hanging around interviewing people, because fuck tennis.

I am so quitting once I've filed this. I bet they don't even read or edit it before putting it out. Fuck this place.

(inspired by this)

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

World Cup finishes

The world cup ended rather anti-climactically last week, as everybody just stopped playing and nobody won.

For decades, dozens of football teams from all over the world have come together every four years to compete in the biggest sporting event on the planet. But this year, once again, the tournament was ceased in mid-swing and no further football of note occurred.

The group matches were generally well received by the hundreds of millions of global football fans, and so it surprised many commentators that everyone should have simply packed up their vuvuzelas and stopped playing football completely with such suddenness, at around 6pm local time on Sunday.

"I think we've taken this thing as far as we can," said FIFA spokesman Grebthok Bedgarville. "There's no point dragging it out any longer. If we do too much now, we just won't be in the mood for another one in 2014."

When asked whether it wasn't worth continuing with the last few matches for the benefit of those fans who might be interested in the final outcome, Bedgarville responded: "Call me Anglo-centric, but does anyone really care?"

The decision to just not bother with the rest of the World Cup follows a precedent set by the cancellation of a series of other ongoing projects. These have included: not worrying about counting up all those Olympic medals; reminding everyone that the only important part of Eurovision is having a nice sing-along; and firmly insisting that there's really no need to go and check how much of the British Empire is left these days.

Monday, 28 June 2010

DHT servers attacked by hacker pirate zombie robot Nazis

The internet was plunged into chaos last week as the servers responsible for hosting The Daily Half-Truth - among other, less bullshit-oriented websites - were attacked and taken offline.

Fortunately, no information was permanently lost, and down-time was minimal during the outage, but no new information could be uploaded for several days. Little is currently known about the perpetrators of this criminal attack, but they are presumed to be a swarthy and ruthless team of hacker pirate zombie robots who are also Nazis.

Claims that they may also be French are, at this time, unconfirmed.

One of the Half-Truth's webmonkey geek lords, Jamien Bapplebrumble, witnessed the brutal cyber-attack.

"It was horrible," he said. "They sent some kind of evil, undead, sentient program across the internet and onto our website, where it persuaded the servers that they were an inferior race and must be cleansed for the benefit of the purity of cyberspace. I wish I knew more about computers, because then I might have realised that this is completely impossible and doesn't even make sense. But, as it was, it completely crippled the whole site."

Added Bapplebrumble: "And it just didn't stop until I switched it off and on again."

Our resident experts say that the problem is now largely under control, but were cagey about the possibility of another similar attack in the future.

"Who knows what nightmarish creatures might strike next time?" asked Pinder Stobbins, our head of online security who's going to be fired if he keeps asking that kind of rhetorical question. "Maybe next week we'll have to face down a pack of ferocious terrorist alien vampire raptors who want to eat all the news. There's no way to be sure."

(inspired by look I was taking a fucking holiday, give me a break)

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

God declines request to clean up gulf

It was announced today that God has turned down the State of Louisiana's official request for assistance in cleaning up the oil spill that continues to devastate the Gulf of Mexico.

On Sunday, the Louisiana State Senate had unanimously voted to petition the creator of the Universe and almighty King of Kings for assistance, and filed the formal request that afternoon. Because of his notoriously hectic schedule, nobody was expecting a reply this soon, but the response that arrived today was an unequivocal "No."

Senate spokesman Gregg McWeinstein expressed disappointment but understanding at the result.

"We were really hoping that God might see fit to providing some sort of succour in our time of need," he said. "It's a terrible situation, doing untold damage to the environment, and our own efforts so far have done little to help. The fact that everyone seems to think praying is our best option now should indicate just how desperate we are.

"Still, we're not too surprised," he went on. "I'm sure we'll all find a way to rationalise God's absence in this crisis, as in so many others. We don't seem to hold it against him that he lets millions of Africans die of AIDS every year, so it'd be a bit petty to start resenting his inactivity over something this."

God, as has often been the case on previous occasions when the Half-Truth has approached him, was not available for comment. He has not yet offered any further explanation of his decision to stay out of things and just act like he's not there.

(inspired by this)

Monday, 21 June 2010

UK Emergency budgie launched

George Osborne has described the necessity of an "emergency budgie" in order to save the UK's economy from collapse.

The Chancellor announced recently that urgently enlisting the aid of a type of Australian parrot - specifically a member of the species Melopsittacus undulatus - was the only way to prevent a serious financial meltdown in this country.

It is currently unclear exactly how Mr Osborne intends to employ a small bird in setting our nation back on the path to economic recovery, but he has insisted that he knows what he's doing, and will be setting out a four-year plan in the coming days.

Although budgies are often kept as pets, they have rarely received such high-profile acclaim as to be asked to rescue the infrastructure of an entire country. Animal sanctuary worker Patricia Fongletrot reacted to the news with particular-

Um. Hang on...

...Budget. He said an emergency budget. Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

I am so fired.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Science "not just another worldview", scientists discover

Scientists have examined evidence, analysed data, rigorously tested hypotheses, and concluded that science is not simply an alternative worldview, on an equal footing to other ideas such as religion, like some fucking hippies want to think.

Experts in understanding how things work have collaborated globally to form this theory, which they say is among the soundest of conclusions yet reached by modern science. They claim to have shown that a scientific approach to the world, unlike all that other bullshit that people buy into, is the only way to reliably come to a genuine understanding of the universe.

Professor Newbert Isaacstein - whose official title indicates that he possesses academic qualifications, and therefore probably knows what the fuck he's talking about - explained the importance of this discovery in a press conference this afternoon.

"Contrary to popular belief," he said, speaking slowly so that the people who needed this explained to them could keep up, "it's simply not the case that some aspects of the world fall under the demesne of science, and some other bits are best addressed by, I don't know, religion, or whatever other crap you've fallen for. If you're not being scientific about the way you look at something, there's no way to tell you're not full of it.

Continued Issacstein, "These are very exciting and conclusive results, which I fully expect to have absolutely no impact at all on the credulous wishy-washy idiots who want to keep believing whatever tripe they heard on Oprah."

There has already been some backlash against this announcement, but only from exactly the kind of vaguely spiritual cretins who read their horoscopes carefully every day and just go to prove the scientists' point. Alternative medicine aficionado and professional strawman Storm has already whined a reaction:

"These scientists think that they can know everything there is to know about something, and say that psychics and ghosts don't exist just because they can't find any 'evidence' for them when they look for it under so-called 'carefully controlled conditions', but they can't appreciate the unique value of personal objective experience," said the irony-free zone in response to today's announcement. It's thought that she blathered on some more after that, but nobody was really listening.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Perez Hilton explains Miley Cyrus prank

Perez Hilton has publicly come clean this week, and admitted that Miley Cyrus is in fact just a hoax.

The blogger and television personality, perhaps best known for his celebrity gossip website, stirred controversy earlier in the week by posting a picture to his Twitter feed, which allegedly depicted teen sensation Miley Cyrus not wearing underwear. This provoked widespread condemnation, with numerous online commentators outraged that Hilton would spread explicit material of an underage girl, and also that the photo was really grainy and you couldn't even see anything.

However, in a new explanatory video, Hilton has owned up to the prank, and admitted that Miley Cyrus has been a fabrication all along.

"I, like, totally got all you suckers!" he exclaimed in the clip uploaded to YouTube this afternoon. "C'mon, what were you guys thinking? Miley Cyrus? Sure, that totally sounds like a real name! Man, I had you all going for years!"

Reaction among the millions of Miley Cyrus fans worldwide has been mixed, with some expressing annoyance at their time being wasted for "a meaningless joke", while others seemed more willing to join into the spirit of the humour.

Perhaps most appreciative of the prank have been those who have worked with "Miley" in recent years, such as Hannah Montana co-star Emily Osment.

"Oh God, I laughed for like an hour when I found out," said Osment when asked for her reaction to the news. "It was amazing, I was so totally taken in. I have no idea how Perez did it.

"Seriously," she added, "the logistics just seem to make no sense. But it was so funny!"

No statement from Miley's "father", country music legend Billy Ray Cyrus, has yet been forthcoming. Sources close to the singer suggest that he was not in on the joke, and may not be taking the news as well as might have been hoped.

(inspired by this)