Scientists have examined evidence, analysed data, rigorously tested hypotheses, and concluded that science is not simply an alternative worldview, on an equal footing to other ideas such as religion, like some fucking hippies want to think.
Experts in understanding how things work have collaborated globally to form this theory, which they say is among the soundest of conclusions yet reached by modern science. They claim to have shown that a scientific approach to the world, unlike all that other bullshit that people buy into, is the only way to reliably come to a genuine understanding of the universe.
Professor Newbert Isaacstein - whose official title indicates that he possesses academic qualifications, and therefore probably knows what the fuck he's talking about - explained the importance of this discovery in a press conference this afternoon.
"Contrary to popular belief," he said, speaking slowly so that the people who needed this explained to them could keep up, "it's simply not the case that some aspects of the world fall under the demesne of science, and some other bits are best addressed by, I don't know, religion, or whatever other crap you've fallen for. If you're not being scientific about the way you look at something, there's no way to tell you're not full of it.
Continued Issacstein, "These are very exciting and conclusive results, which I fully expect to have absolutely no impact at all on the credulous wishy-washy idiots who want to keep believing whatever tripe they heard on Oprah."
There has already been some backlash against this announcement, but only from exactly the kind of vaguely spiritual cretins who read their horoscopes carefully every day and just go to prove the scientists' point. Alternative medicine aficionado and professional strawman Storm has already whined a reaction:
"These scientists think that they can know everything there is to know about something, and say that psychics and ghosts don't exist just because they can't find any 'evidence' for them when they look for it under so-called 'carefully controlled conditions', but they can't appreciate the unique value of personal objective experience," said the irony-free zone in response to today's announcement. It's thought that she blathered on some more after that, but nobody was really listening.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Friday, 18 June 2010
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Jesus statue destroyed by lightning
A 60-foot tall sculpture of Jesus Christ was struck by lightning and burned down this week, as a direct result of the wrathful vengeance of the Lord our God.
The idolatrous depiction titled King of Kings, and known colloquially as "Touchdown Jesus", was almost completely destroyed in the resulting fire, leaving the metal frame as the only remnant of this grave offence unto the Lord. God himself was unavailable for comment, and so the exact reason for his fury that led to this destructive act remains unknown.
One curious theory has been attracting some comment, however. The unusual notion has been put forward that this may have been merely a natural occurrence, and not the action of an irate deity at all.
"I believe that lightning is, in fact, an atmospheric discharge of electrical energy," said Yementine Igneous, who described himself as a 'Scientist', although no record could be found of a god named Scien or any of his worshippers ever existing. "It can occur all over the world, all the time, whenever the right meteorological conditions exist. Nature is a great and powerful force, which you and your gods would be wise to respect."
He then abruptly yelled: "Smite the believer! Drive out the inf... um... drive out the fidel!" He continued along similar lines, and began meandering away down the road.
Such crackpot theories are not taken seriously by respectable theographers, who recognise the far more parsimonious and sensible explanation - that God has expressed his displeasure with this inadequate monument to his superior might - and are hastening to act in accordance with this expression of God's wishes.
What is less generally agreed upon, however, is how the faithful should best respond to this event. Commentators are divided as to whether it should be read as a wider condemnation of all such statues, even of more modest size.
"Everyone knows that God will strike down with fire from above that which displeases him," said Christoby Vex, the resident Ineffable Professor of St. Othello's College, Cambford. "But was King of Kings the only such statue which he judged a blight on his perfect glory? Did this one sculpture simply reach too far, going beyond the bounds of where it is right for mankind to explore? Or was this merely the most symbolic target against which God chose to express his ire at all blasphemously imperfect depictions of the beauteous visage of his Son? The answer is not clear without deep prayer and contemplation. The Lord moves in mysterious ways."
Added Vex, "It's a real fucker sometimes, that."
Several other large statues of Jesus in various poses of transcendent wisdom and greatness are being dismantled all over the country, in clear obedience of God's will. There are also numerous reports of people taking down the crucifixes on the walls of their homes and burning them, but spokespeople from all the major theographical think tanks have issued reports emphasising that this is probably not necessary.
(inspired by this)
The idolatrous depiction titled King of Kings, and known colloquially as "Touchdown Jesus", was almost completely destroyed in the resulting fire, leaving the metal frame as the only remnant of this grave offence unto the Lord. God himself was unavailable for comment, and so the exact reason for his fury that led to this destructive act remains unknown.
One curious theory has been attracting some comment, however. The unusual notion has been put forward that this may have been merely a natural occurrence, and not the action of an irate deity at all.
"I believe that lightning is, in fact, an atmospheric discharge of electrical energy," said Yementine Igneous, who described himself as a 'Scientist', although no record could be found of a god named Scien or any of his worshippers ever existing. "It can occur all over the world, all the time, whenever the right meteorological conditions exist. Nature is a great and powerful force, which you and your gods would be wise to respect."
He then abruptly yelled: "Smite the believer! Drive out the inf... um... drive out the fidel!" He continued along similar lines, and began meandering away down the road.
Such crackpot theories are not taken seriously by respectable theographers, who recognise the far more parsimonious and sensible explanation - that God has expressed his displeasure with this inadequate monument to his superior might - and are hastening to act in accordance with this expression of God's wishes.
What is less generally agreed upon, however, is how the faithful should best respond to this event. Commentators are divided as to whether it should be read as a wider condemnation of all such statues, even of more modest size.
"Everyone knows that God will strike down with fire from above that which displeases him," said Christoby Vex, the resident Ineffable Professor of St. Othello's College, Cambford. "But was King of Kings the only such statue which he judged a blight on his perfect glory? Did this one sculpture simply reach too far, going beyond the bounds of where it is right for mankind to explore? Or was this merely the most symbolic target against which God chose to express his ire at all blasphemously imperfect depictions of the beauteous visage of his Son? The answer is not clear without deep prayer and contemplation. The Lord moves in mysterious ways."
Added Vex, "It's a real fucker sometimes, that."
Several other large statues of Jesus in various poses of transcendent wisdom and greatness are being dismantled all over the country, in clear obedience of God's will. There are also numerous reports of people taking down the crucifixes on the walls of their homes and burning them, but spokespeople from all the major theographical think tanks have issued reports emphasising that this is probably not necessary.
(inspired by this)
Friday, 11 June 2010
Pope apologises for Catholic abuse scandal
Pope Benedict has officially apologised to God for the multiple abuses of children committed under his watch, it has been announced today.
This apology marks the beginning of an extended campaign by the Vatican, in which the head of the Catholic church has vowed to beg forgiveness in turn from each of the parties wronged by the actions of numerous Catholic officials over the past years and decades.
His Holiness has first given obeisance to God Almighty, who is no doubt mightily offended at the stain on the legacy of his holy church by the actions of thousands of child-abusing priests. His next grovelling atonement will be to all members of the Catholic church, for being unfairly tarred with the horrific association of child abuse.
Next, either later this year or in early 2011, the Pope will tell the members of all other Christian sects how terribly sorry he is for any negative repercussions they might have faced, for such horrific acts as the systematic raping of children and the ensuing cover-ups going on within the religion to which they too belong.
Further targets of heart-felt and sorrowful confessions to be issued by Pope Benedict include: his predecessors to the role of Pope, whom he feels he has let down with his actions and failed to live up to their shining examples; the journalists and media organisations who have had to repeatedly and publicly discuss this traumatic subject; the thousands of children who were raped by Catholic priests and whose lives and families were torn apart due to the actions of a horde of sick heartless bastards and the self-serving complacency of the institution behind them; Jews (on a largely unrelated matter); and God again.
Catholic commentators worldwide have praised the Pope's humility and sense of perspective at what must be a difficult time.
(inspired by this)
This apology marks the beginning of an extended campaign by the Vatican, in which the head of the Catholic church has vowed to beg forgiveness in turn from each of the parties wronged by the actions of numerous Catholic officials over the past years and decades.
His Holiness has first given obeisance to God Almighty, who is no doubt mightily offended at the stain on the legacy of his holy church by the actions of thousands of child-abusing priests. His next grovelling atonement will be to all members of the Catholic church, for being unfairly tarred with the horrific association of child abuse.
Next, either later this year or in early 2011, the Pope will tell the members of all other Christian sects how terribly sorry he is for any negative repercussions they might have faced, for such horrific acts as the systematic raping of children and the ensuing cover-ups going on within the religion to which they too belong.
Further targets of heart-felt and sorrowful confessions to be issued by Pope Benedict include: his predecessors to the role of Pope, whom he feels he has let down with his actions and failed to live up to their shining examples; the journalists and media organisations who have had to repeatedly and publicly discuss this traumatic subject; the thousands of children who were raped by Catholic priests and whose lives and families were torn apart due to the actions of a horde of sick heartless bastards and the self-serving complacency of the institution behind them; Jews (on a largely unrelated matter); and God again.
Catholic commentators worldwide have praised the Pope's humility and sense of perspective at what must be a difficult time.
(inspired by this)
Monday, 2 November 2009
Halloween a success - Satan a no-show
2009 appears to have been another successful year for Halloween, as the dark lord Satan was once again appeased by our candy offerings, and spared us his mighty wrath.
Satan - also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, or simply "The Devil" - is known to have great influence at this time of year, and is credited with inspiring many of the traditions we associate with All Hallows' Eve. The enslavement of all mankind to his demonic will is, of course, a constant threat, but on October 31st he is strongest, and the barrier between the worlds is in the most danger of falling.
Every year at this time, brave and heroic children around the world take to the streets, determined to gather sufficient assorted confectionery to placate the Lord of Hell himself and prevent a diabolical apocalypse. Religious leaders urge that lay people help this effort as best they can, but that nobody involve themselves in any of the satanic rituals any more than is absolutely necessary.
"The Devil is a very real force for evil in the world," said Bishop Desmond Muumuu of Halifax. "This is not a subject to be approached lightly, as to undertake in many Halloween traditions will invite his attention upon you. He can only be countered by the inspiringly brave and selfless actions of several thousand eight-year-olds dressed up as Spiderman and Dracula, going door to door demanding Gummy Bears and Curly Wurlys."
"Only through this, and the grace of Jesus, are we saved," he continued.
This year's effort seems to have been a success, as Satan has not yet been seen to rise up from the pits of Hades and tear the land asunder, bringing desolation and despair to all. But already we are being warned not to get complacent - the annual festival to save us from zombie Jesus is less than two months away.
Satan - also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, or simply "The Devil" - is known to have great influence at this time of year, and is credited with inspiring many of the traditions we associate with All Hallows' Eve. The enslavement of all mankind to his demonic will is, of course, a constant threat, but on October 31st he is strongest, and the barrier between the worlds is in the most danger of falling.
Every year at this time, brave and heroic children around the world take to the streets, determined to gather sufficient assorted confectionery to placate the Lord of Hell himself and prevent a diabolical apocalypse. Religious leaders urge that lay people help this effort as best they can, but that nobody involve themselves in any of the satanic rituals any more than is absolutely necessary.
"The Devil is a very real force for evil in the world," said Bishop Desmond Muumuu of Halifax. "This is not a subject to be approached lightly, as to undertake in many Halloween traditions will invite his attention upon you. He can only be countered by the inspiringly brave and selfless actions of several thousand eight-year-olds dressed up as Spiderman and Dracula, going door to door demanding Gummy Bears and Curly Wurlys."
"Only through this, and the grace of Jesus, are we saved," he continued.
This year's effort seems to have been a success, as Satan has not yet been seen to rise up from the pits of Hades and tear the land asunder, bringing desolation and despair to all. But already we are being warned not to get complacent - the annual festival to save us from zombie Jesus is less than two months away.
Friday, 30 October 2009
Larry David engages in oppressive hate speech
Larry David, star of the popular sitcom Curb Your Enthusiasm, has come under fire recently for making crude and demeaning jokes about the religion of Christianity, a minority religious sect known primarily for being the target of all unfair prejudice and bigotry ever uttered.
In a recent episode of the show, David's character was shown urinating on a painting of Jesus Christ, a figure central to this little understood religious denomination. The scene has received criticism from many corners, as people stand up for the underdog of Christianity. It has been widely pointed out how unjust it is that this one small, powerless group is constantly beset by so much venom and hatred, while no other demographic has ever gone through any similar hardships or faced prejudice of any significance.
"Time and again, these so-called 'comedians' get to make offensive and disrespectful gestures toward Christians and Christian symbols, which simply wouldn't get said about Muslims or Jews," pointed out Will Bonohue, president of the League of Catholics. "Intolerance or mockery of other minorities like Muslims, gays, and women, simply doesn't happen in public discourse."
"Christians have always been patient and perfectly cordial with those of other faiths, and non-believers," he said, "but we still get picked on. Nobody ever gives us a chance."
Although they may not be among the regular big names in politics or business, some analysts predict that Christians may soon find a more prominent place in society. Rumour even has it that certain members of this minor faith may be considering taking part in the presidential race in 2012.
In a recent episode of the show, David's character was shown urinating on a painting of Jesus Christ, a figure central to this little understood religious denomination. The scene has received criticism from many corners, as people stand up for the underdog of Christianity. It has been widely pointed out how unjust it is that this one small, powerless group is constantly beset by so much venom and hatred, while no other demographic has ever gone through any similar hardships or faced prejudice of any significance.
"Time and again, these so-called 'comedians' get to make offensive and disrespectful gestures toward Christians and Christian symbols, which simply wouldn't get said about Muslims or Jews," pointed out Will Bonohue, president of the League of Catholics. "Intolerance or mockery of other minorities like Muslims, gays, and women, simply doesn't happen in public discourse."
"Christians have always been patient and perfectly cordial with those of other faiths, and non-believers," he said, "but we still get picked on. Nobody ever gives us a chance."
Although they may not be among the regular big names in politics or business, some analysts predict that Christians may soon find a more prominent place in society. Rumour even has it that certain members of this minor faith may be considering taking part in the presidential race in 2012.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
British schools to teach every alternative to evolution
A recent survey in the UK revealed that 54% of respondents would like to see alternatives to the theory of evolution being taught in schools - and in response, a new policy will be coming into force next month that requires every other competing idea to be given similar discussion time in classrooms.
In a spirit of equality, diversity, and fairness, the scientific theory of biological evolution will be supplemented with all other traditional and modern explanations for the existence and variety of life observed on the planet. Popular opinion has decided that the previous system - teaching only the model almost universally accepted by scientists and with a vast body of evidence accumulated over decades to support it - was unfair. The alternative explanations being introduced alongside evolution include the Genesis creation myth popular with some sects of Christianity; a similar creationist view espoused by the Qur'an, the central religious text of Islam; the belief sacred to Pastafarians that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster; the Kiowa Apache myth that the world was created from the sweat of four gods mixed together in the Creator's palms; and many hundreds of others.
"It's important that our children get to hear about other people's perfectly valid points of view, so that they can make up their own minds," said campaigner and mother of three Julie Smethwick. She went on to justify at length her implicit assertion that uneducated infants are better able to distinguish truth from fallacy than qualified scientists who spend years testing hypotheses and refining theories based on a critical analysis of the available data.
"To assume otherwise is elitist and bigoted," she concluded.
Those teachers and activists who have been campaigning for a longer school year will also be buoyed by this news, as primary and secondary education will have to be extended by up to seven extra weeks a year in order to accommodate, in equal measure, every single explanation ever proposed for the origins of life, so as to be truly unbiased and culturally sensitive.
In a spirit of equality, diversity, and fairness, the scientific theory of biological evolution will be supplemented with all other traditional and modern explanations for the existence and variety of life observed on the planet. Popular opinion has decided that the previous system - teaching only the model almost universally accepted by scientists and with a vast body of evidence accumulated over decades to support it - was unfair. The alternative explanations being introduced alongside evolution include the Genesis creation myth popular with some sects of Christianity; a similar creationist view espoused by the Qur'an, the central religious text of Islam; the belief sacred to Pastafarians that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster; the Kiowa Apache myth that the world was created from the sweat of four gods mixed together in the Creator's palms; and many hundreds of others.
"It's important that our children get to hear about other people's perfectly valid points of view, so that they can make up their own minds," said campaigner and mother of three Julie Smethwick. She went on to justify at length her implicit assertion that uneducated infants are better able to distinguish truth from fallacy than qualified scientists who spend years testing hypotheses and refining theories based on a critical analysis of the available data.
"To assume otherwise is elitist and bigoted," she concluded.
Those teachers and activists who have been campaigning for a longer school year will also be buoyed by this news, as primary and secondary education will have to be extended by up to seven extra weeks a year in order to accommodate, in equal measure, every single explanation ever proposed for the origins of life, so as to be truly unbiased and culturally sensitive.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Church of Scientology sorry to see Haggis go
In a statement released today, the Church of Scientology has expressed sadness at the decision of film director Paul Haggis to leave the church.
Haggis, director of the Academy Award-winning film Crash, cited political and ethical differences as his reason for parting ways with the organisation. It was emphasised by both sides that it was an amicable split, with no bitterness or animosity regarding their differing views.
"The Church of Scientology appreciates all its adherents," read the press release, "and encourages free and open debate on political and philosophical issues, among all those who have accepted L Ron Hubbard into their lives. We welcome any who feel that our way of life is right for them, but would never hold a grudge against any member who feels their life starting to go in a different direction."
"We wish Mr Haggis all the best in future trillions of years," it continued.
The Church of Scientology has also been engaging the public in recent years through The Xeta Course, a series of informative discussion sessions aimed at those who do not currently follow the Church's teachings, but who are curious to learn more.
Haggis, director of the Academy Award-winning film Crash, cited political and ethical differences as his reason for parting ways with the organisation. It was emphasised by both sides that it was an amicable split, with no bitterness or animosity regarding their differing views.
"The Church of Scientology appreciates all its adherents," read the press release, "and encourages free and open debate on political and philosophical issues, among all those who have accepted L Ron Hubbard into their lives. We welcome any who feel that our way of life is right for them, but would never hold a grudge against any member who feels their life starting to go in a different direction."
"We wish Mr Haggis all the best in future trillions of years," it continued.
The Church of Scientology has also been engaging the public in recent years through The Xeta Course, a series of informative discussion sessions aimed at those who do not currently follow the Church's teachings, but who are curious to learn more.
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