Parents' fury at sex lessons

Parents of school-age children across the country are up in arms at government plans to bring the physical act of hot, sweaty love to classrooms in the new school year.

The matter of sex education has long been a contentious issue, with some countries adopting a policy of teaching "abstinence only". This approach has been widely criticised, largely due to the substantial and constantly increasing body of evidence that it utterly fails to achieve anything beneficial. Now, some school districts are courting controversy at the other extreme end of the scale, introducing regular study of hardcore pornography to the weekly timetable.

Many conservative commentators are up in arms about this development, claiming that it's just what they've been predicting for years. But teachers involved in the trial schemes where these lessons are being rolled out deny that what they're doing is detrimental to society, or an erosion of moral values. Patrichard Bilifuster, headteacher at Aaron Burr elementary school in Miami, Florida, insists that he's just trying to provide a balanced, well rounded education.

"Sex is an integral part of every human being's life," said Bilifuster recently, "and equipping children with some basic information about it will give them a much better chance of being able to approach it safely and maturely when it becomes a relevant part of their own lives. And a vital part of so equipping them is to provide vivid, graphic, and perhaps even emotionally scarring demonstrations of the many and varied forms in which this most intimate of acts can be enjoyed. This will obviously include group discussion, video presentations, and guest performers being regularly present in the classroom environment, to provide a more 'hands-on' experience."

"Oh, and we're merging sex education with our evil communist promotion of the gay agenda," he added, "which obviously requires explicit viewing and rigidly enforced tolerance of hot man-on-man action for all students above the fourth grade."

Critics of this new scheme have suggested that, rather than anything so extreme as supplying pornography in classrooms, liberal plans for sex education have always involved providing a forum for mature and informed discussion, both about the biology of sexual reproduction and the social aspects of romantic relationships, at a level of depth and openness appropriate to the ages of the particular students. Although this idea still has some support, it's currently losing ground to the "just let them watch some fucking and they'll figure it out" educational model.

British schools to teach every alternative to evolution

A recent survey in the UK revealed that 54% of respondents would like to see alternatives to the theory of evolution being taught in schools - and in response, a new policy will be coming into force next month that requires every other competing idea to be given similar discussion time in classrooms.

In a spirit of equality, diversity, and fairness, the scientific theory of biological evolution will be supplemented with all other traditional and modern explanations for the existence and variety of life observed on the planet. Popular opinion has decided that the previous system - teaching only the model almost universally accepted by scientists and with a vast body of evidence accumulated over decades to support it - was unfair. The alternative explanations being introduced alongside evolution include the Genesis creation myth popular with some sects of Christianity; a similar creationist view espoused by the Qur'an, the central religious text of Islam; the belief sacred to Pastafarians that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster; the Kiowa Apache myth that the world was created from the sweat of four gods mixed together in the Creator's palms; and many hundreds of others.

"It's important that our children get to hear about other people's perfectly valid points of view, so that they can make up their own minds," said campaigner and mother of three Julie Smethwick. She went on to justify at length her implicit assertion that uneducated infants are better able to distinguish truth from fallacy than qualified scientists who spend years testing hypotheses and refining theories based on a critical analysis of the available data.

"To assume otherwise is elitist and bigoted," she concluded.

Those teachers and activists who have been campaigning for a longer school year will also be buoyed by this news, as primary and secondary education will have to be extended by up to seven extra weeks a year in order to accommodate, in equal measure, every single explanation ever proposed for the origins of life, so as to be truly unbiased and culturally sensitive.