Scientists have examined evidence, analysed data, rigorously tested hypotheses, and concluded that science is not simply an alternative worldview, on an equal footing to other ideas such as religion, like some fucking hippies want to think.
Experts in understanding how things work have collaborated globally to form this theory, which they say is among the soundest of conclusions yet reached by modern science. They claim to have shown that a scientific approach to the world, unlike all that other bullshit that people buy into, is the only way to reliably come to a genuine understanding of the universe.
Professor Newbert Isaacstein - whose official title indicates that he possesses academic qualifications, and therefore probably knows what the fuck he's talking about - explained the importance of this discovery in a press conference this afternoon.
"Contrary to popular belief," he said, speaking slowly so that the people who needed this explained to them could keep up, "it's simply not the case that some aspects of the world fall under the demesne of science, and some other bits are best addressed by, I don't know, religion, or whatever other crap you've fallen for. If you're not being scientific about the way you look at something, there's no way to tell you're not full of it.
Continued Issacstein, "These are very exciting and conclusive results, which I fully expect to have absolutely no impact at all on the credulous wishy-washy idiots who want to keep believing whatever tripe they heard on Oprah."
There has already been some backlash against this announcement, but only from exactly the kind of vaguely spiritual cretins who read their horoscopes carefully every day and just go to prove the scientists' point. Alternative medicine aficionado and professional strawman Storm has already whined a reaction:
"These scientists think that they can know everything there is to know about something, and say that psychics and ghosts don't exist just because they can't find any 'evidence' for them when they look for it under so-called 'carefully controlled conditions', but they can't appreciate the unique value of personal objective experience," said the irony-free zone in response to today's announcement. It's thought that she blathered on some more after that, but nobody was really listening.
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Friday, 18 June 2010
Monday, 7 June 2010
14-year-old wins national spelling bee
This year's Scripps National Spelling Bee, an annual spelling competition in the United States, was won on Friday by 14-year-old Anamika Veeramani from Ohio.
Lexicographical researchers have lauded this achievement as a major advancement in the study of the spelling of English words, and highlighted the importance of Veeramani's new discoveries in this field of research. She has been offered a $30,000 grant to conduct further study.
"Ms Veeramani has already made substantial progress with her impressive body of work," said Karen Gruntfuggly-Smith, a dictionarologist with the University of Springfield, and one of the Bee's organisers. "Her award is well deserved for the discovery of the correct spelling of 'stromuhr', and we are optimistic that she will be able to uncover many more exciting spellings previously unknown to science, with access to the right funding and resources."
Professor Gruntfuggly-Smith has been involved with the Bee since 1987, when the word "staphylococci" was successfully spelt for the first time by that year's winner. "That was really special to be a part of," she recalls. "I mean, what kind of state would modern medical research be in, if dedicated spellers hadn't made that fascinating discovery?"
"An untidy and borderline illegible one," she suggested.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee continues to grip the country's attention every year, and much stock is set in its potential for future discovery. It is hoped by some that future winners might finally provide us with answers as to how to spell "flocinocinihilipillification" or "parascavedekatreaphobia" correctly, perhaps even by the end of this decade.
(inspired by this, and assisted by this)
Lexicographical researchers have lauded this achievement as a major advancement in the study of the spelling of English words, and highlighted the importance of Veeramani's new discoveries in this field of research. She has been offered a $30,000 grant to conduct further study.
"Ms Veeramani has already made substantial progress with her impressive body of work," said Karen Gruntfuggly-Smith, a dictionarologist with the University of Springfield, and one of the Bee's organisers. "Her award is well deserved for the discovery of the correct spelling of 'stromuhr', and we are optimistic that she will be able to uncover many more exciting spellings previously unknown to science, with access to the right funding and resources."
Professor Gruntfuggly-Smith has been involved with the Bee since 1987, when the word "staphylococci" was successfully spelt for the first time by that year's winner. "That was really special to be a part of," she recalls. "I mean, what kind of state would modern medical research be in, if dedicated spellers hadn't made that fascinating discovery?"
"An untidy and borderline illegible one," she suggested.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee continues to grip the country's attention every year, and much stock is set in its potential for future discovery. It is hoped by some that future winners might finally provide us with answers as to how to spell "flocinocinihilipillification" or "parascavedekatreaphobia" correctly, perhaps even by the end of this decade.
(inspired by this, and assisted by this)
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Men think about sex every 7.3 seconds, new measurements reveal
New research into the frequency with which sex crosses men's minds has revealed this week that scientists' previous estimate was somewhat inaccurate.
The fact that "men think about sex every seven seconds" has been so widely established and generally accepted by the scientific community for so long, that it has become a widespread truism whose empirical origins are often unknown by those repeating it as an interesting tidbit of trivia. But data gathered recently in experiments performed at Maudlin College, Oxbridge, have refined results that had been universally considered factually solid.
"This has profound implications in many fields of science," said Professor Fringlebert Zuppp, chief researcher on the project for the whole of its eight-month duration. "It may seem like a minor adjustment to a well understood natural law, but it goes to show that even the most solid, firm, pert scientific theory can be overturned or altered by the objective assessment of new tits."
"Evidence," Professor Zuppp added, looking slightly flustered. "I meant to say evidence. Not tits. Sorry. Mind wandering a little."
As these results are replicated and verified in other labs across the world, scientists are beginning to speculate on what other facts often taken for granted may turn out to be less certain than was once thought. Already a growing campaign exists for the "five-second law", regarding the time-frame in which it is considered safe to pick up food that has been dropped on the floor, to be replaced by the "four-point-three-seconds law" in the interests of public health.
The fact that "men think about sex every seven seconds" has been so widely established and generally accepted by the scientific community for so long, that it has become a widespread truism whose empirical origins are often unknown by those repeating it as an interesting tidbit of trivia. But data gathered recently in experiments performed at Maudlin College, Oxbridge, have refined results that had been universally considered factually solid.
"This has profound implications in many fields of science," said Professor Fringlebert Zuppp, chief researcher on the project for the whole of its eight-month duration. "It may seem like a minor adjustment to a well understood natural law, but it goes to show that even the most solid, firm, pert scientific theory can be overturned or altered by the objective assessment of new tits."
"Evidence," Professor Zuppp added, looking slightly flustered. "I meant to say evidence. Not tits. Sorry. Mind wandering a little."
As these results are replicated and verified in other labs across the world, scientists are beginning to speculate on what other facts often taken for granted may turn out to be less certain than was once thought. Already a growing campaign exists for the "five-second law", regarding the time-frame in which it is considered safe to pick up food that has been dropped on the floor, to be replaced by the "four-point-three-seconds law" in the interests of public health.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
LHC operational - mankind wins hide-and-seek against God
The Large Hadron Collider achieved its long-awaited goal and then some yesterday, when God came out of apparent hiding as a direct result of its operation.
Scientists had hoped that the five mile wide particle accelerator based near Geneva, Switzerland, would provide empirical evidence supporting the existence of the hypothetical Higgs boson, known informally as the "God particle". This nickname was thought only to be a reference to the particle's importance, but turned out to be rather more literal when God himself manifested at CERN during an otherwise routine procedure.
The event is being hailed as the first truly undisputed instance of divine visitation in human history. God, as we now know, had done such a good job of hiding from us, that no consensus as to any aspect of his nature had ever successfully been reached, with some groups questioning even his very existence.
"Well, you found me," were the first words uttered by the creator of the Universe to mankind, according to several badly shaken physicists who had been present at his abrupt arrival. "It didn't take you that many billion years, either. You must be really good at seeking."
"Now I'll count to a quadrillion, and you guys all hide," he added.
Scientists had hoped that the five mile wide particle accelerator based near Geneva, Switzerland, would provide empirical evidence supporting the existence of the hypothetical Higgs boson, known informally as the "God particle". This nickname was thought only to be a reference to the particle's importance, but turned out to be rather more literal when God himself manifested at CERN during an otherwise routine procedure.
The event is being hailed as the first truly undisputed instance of divine visitation in human history. God, as we now know, had done such a good job of hiding from us, that no consensus as to any aspect of his nature had ever successfully been reached, with some groups questioning even his very existence.
"Well, you found me," were the first words uttered by the creator of the Universe to mankind, according to several badly shaken physicists who had been present at his abrupt arrival. "It didn't take you that many billion years, either. You must be really good at seeking."
"Now I'll count to a quadrillion, and you guys all hide," he added.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
British schools to teach every alternative to evolution
A recent survey in the UK revealed that 54% of respondents would like to see alternatives to the theory of evolution being taught in schools - and in response, a new policy will be coming into force next month that requires every other competing idea to be given similar discussion time in classrooms.
In a spirit of equality, diversity, and fairness, the scientific theory of biological evolution will be supplemented with all other traditional and modern explanations for the existence and variety of life observed on the planet. Popular opinion has decided that the previous system - teaching only the model almost universally accepted by scientists and with a vast body of evidence accumulated over decades to support it - was unfair. The alternative explanations being introduced alongside evolution include the Genesis creation myth popular with some sects of Christianity; a similar creationist view espoused by the Qur'an, the central religious text of Islam; the belief sacred to Pastafarians that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster; the Kiowa Apache myth that the world was created from the sweat of four gods mixed together in the Creator's palms; and many hundreds of others.
"It's important that our children get to hear about other people's perfectly valid points of view, so that they can make up their own minds," said campaigner and mother of three Julie Smethwick. She went on to justify at length her implicit assertion that uneducated infants are better able to distinguish truth from fallacy than qualified scientists who spend years testing hypotheses and refining theories based on a critical analysis of the available data.
"To assume otherwise is elitist and bigoted," she concluded.
Those teachers and activists who have been campaigning for a longer school year will also be buoyed by this news, as primary and secondary education will have to be extended by up to seven extra weeks a year in order to accommodate, in equal measure, every single explanation ever proposed for the origins of life, so as to be truly unbiased and culturally sensitive.
In a spirit of equality, diversity, and fairness, the scientific theory of biological evolution will be supplemented with all other traditional and modern explanations for the existence and variety of life observed on the planet. Popular opinion has decided that the previous system - teaching only the model almost universally accepted by scientists and with a vast body of evidence accumulated over decades to support it - was unfair. The alternative explanations being introduced alongside evolution include the Genesis creation myth popular with some sects of Christianity; a similar creationist view espoused by the Qur'an, the central religious text of Islam; the belief sacred to Pastafarians that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster; the Kiowa Apache myth that the world was created from the sweat of four gods mixed together in the Creator's palms; and many hundreds of others.
"It's important that our children get to hear about other people's perfectly valid points of view, so that they can make up their own minds," said campaigner and mother of three Julie Smethwick. She went on to justify at length her implicit assertion that uneducated infants are better able to distinguish truth from fallacy than qualified scientists who spend years testing hypotheses and refining theories based on a critical analysis of the available data.
"To assume otherwise is elitist and bigoted," she concluded.
Those teachers and activists who have been campaigning for a longer school year will also be buoyed by this news, as primary and secondary education will have to be extended by up to seven extra weeks a year in order to accommodate, in equal measure, every single explanation ever proposed for the origins of life, so as to be truly unbiased and culturally sensitive.
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