Halloween a success - Satan a no-show

2009 appears to have been another successful year for Halloween, as the dark lord Satan was once again appeased by our candy offerings, and spared us his mighty wrath.

Satan - also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, or simply "The Devil" - is known to have great influence at this time of year, and is credited with inspiring many of the traditions we associate with All Hallows' Eve. The enslavement of all mankind to his demonic will is, of course, a constant threat, but on October 31st he is strongest, and the barrier between the worlds is in the most danger of falling.

Every year at this time, brave and heroic children around the world take to the streets, determined to gather sufficient assorted confectionery to placate the Lord of Hell himself and prevent a diabolical apocalypse. Religious leaders urge that lay people help this effort as best they can, but that nobody involve themselves in any of the satanic rituals any more than is absolutely necessary.

"The Devil is a very real force for evil in the world," said Bishop Desmond Muumuu of Halifax. "This is not a subject to be approached lightly, as to undertake in many Halloween traditions will invite his attention upon you. He can only be countered by the inspiringly brave and selfless actions of several thousand eight-year-olds dressed up as Spiderman and Dracula, going door to door demanding Gummy Bears and Curly Wurlys."

"Only through this, and the grace of Jesus, are we saved," he continued.

This year's effort seems to have been a success, as Satan has not yet been seen to rise up from the pits of Hades and tear the land asunder, bringing desolation and despair to all. But already we are being warned not to get complacent - the annual festival to save us from zombie Jesus is less than two months away.