Heroin defeated in military skirmish

A major victory has been won this week in the war on drugs, as several heroin battalions were successfully routed by US military forces.

Heroin, also known as diamorphine or by any of dozens of colloquial street names, is one of numerous illicit narcotics continuously trying to gain ground in just about every country in the world, generally by guerilla warfare and similar underhand tactics. The United States in particular have been waging a vigorous war against any such invasion for some decades, and with mixed results. Despite billions of dollars having been spent on the campaign, there is little sign of any members of the drug axis ever being conquered or forced into a surrender.

But some military personnel are hoping that this latest development may be an important step in that direction, as a substantial number (the exact details have not yet been released to the public) of opioid troops have been defeated in battle while trying to gain control of territory near the east coast of the US. Most military officers and politicians are resolute that the war will eventually be won, and must continue being fought until such time as no illegal drugs are left alive, anywhere, ever again.

Some have questioned the feasibility of this plan, however, and a growing number of the general population have begun questioning the wisdom of including some axis members on the list. Recent research indicates not only that the cannabis armed forces already have thousands of agents and outposts all over the country, but also that their overall detrimental effect on society is slight at best. Many are now suggesting that invasion and conquest was never the true intent of the coalition of narcotic substances, and that establishing some sort of legal immigration policy may allow a productive and beneficial integration of the two warring cultures.

In other western military news, the war on terror suffered a significant blow recently, as the film Paranormal Activity was given a general release in cinemas, substantially increasing levels of terror in many individuals for approximately 86 minutes.