Pope apologises for Catholic abuse scandal

Pope Benedict has officially apologised to God for the multiple abuses of children committed under his watch, it has been announced today.

This apology marks the beginning of an extended campaign by the Vatican, in which the head of the Catholic church has vowed to beg forgiveness in turn from each of the parties wronged by the actions of numerous Catholic officials over the past years and decades.

His Holiness has first given obeisance to God Almighty, who is no doubt mightily offended at the stain on the legacy of his holy church by the actions of thousands of child-abusing priests. His next grovelling atonement will be to all members of the Catholic church, for being unfairly tarred with the horrific association of child abuse.

Next, either later this year or in early 2011, the Pope will tell the members of all other Christian sects how terribly sorry he is for any negative repercussions they might have faced, for such horrific acts as the systematic raping of children and the ensuing cover-ups going on within the religion to which they too belong.

Further targets of heart-felt and sorrowful confessions to be issued by Pope Benedict include: his predecessors to the role of Pope, whom he feels he has let down with his actions and failed to live up to their shining examples; the journalists and media organisations who have had to repeatedly and publicly discuss this traumatic subject; the thousands of children who were raped by Catholic priests and whose lives and families were torn apart due to the actions of a horde of sick heartless bastards and the self-serving complacency of the institution behind them; Jews (on a largely unrelated matter); and God again.

Catholic commentators worldwide have praised the Pope's humility and sense of perspective at what must be a difficult time.

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