iPhone version 4 released

Mere days after the much-hyped iPad hit UK stores, Apple have released a new version of the iPhone, just to fuck with you.

Consumers are struggling to keep up the frantic pace being set by our corporate overlords, but many are successfully pulling together the funds and resources needed to continue looking cool, in the never-ending race against nerd fashion.

General agreement among followers is that you ought to be out getting your new iPhone right now, if you don't want to look like a dick.

"If you're still using one of the old iPhones that was cool last week, you're going to have at least three months of everyone thinking you're a complete tool, until the next new one," said technophile and antiphilatelist Marmaduke Hislop. "Nobody's using those things any more. All those thousands of people still using their slightly older iPhones to do almost everything my new $600 advance model can do? They're nobodies.

"Wait," he added, "are you writing this down? On, like, paper? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise this interview was for a Renn Fayre quarterly."

Other followers of the grand high Lords of Apple are less enthused, though continue to profess their devotion to their glorious leaders with as much fervour as they can muster. Venetia Pufflehuff, a systems analyst from Devon, looked haggard as she tried to speak to us.

"They told me there's a new thing," she explained. "Old things not good any more. I think this one's another iPhone. Maybe it will help my children eat.

"Do you want an iPhone 3GS? I need the money for the new thing, but it's still good... I mean, it... it can still..." Ms Pufflehuff tried to continue, but broke off into incoherent sobs.

The new iPhone launches worldwide this month, and Apple are confident that the numbers of associated muggings, smash-and-grabs, riots, and suicides will all be significantly down on last time.

(inspired by this)