Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Tennis match wastes substantial chunk of blogger's life

A new world record was set last week when a tennis match went on for fucking ever.

Your intrepid reporter was sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair for, like, days to report on the big sporting events at Wimbledon, but it was just the same thing going on and on and on until I was seriously contemplating ways to take my own life.

Because of some stupid rule that means you can't win by only one point, or something, the last set had to keep on going until they'd played 138 games. Seriously, a hundred and thirty-eight games of tennis, just in that last set. You know how many games they'd played in the first four sets, in total? Forty-five.

You could easily get a complete match finished in well under 138 games. In fact, that's just what's happened in every tennis match that's ever been played before.

And have you seen how monotonous that game is? The ball goes over the net one way, then it goes back over the net the other way. And so on. For three days. Sometimes it'll go into the net instead, or just bounce away without being hit at all. This is the glittering variety of the sport that captures the nation every sodding summer.

Cricketers were shaking their heads with impatience by the end, unable to believe that a single sporting event could be dragged out so interminably. Fucking cricketers.

Other spectators who'd paid huge sums of money for live tickets were thrilled and enraptured by the days-long ordeal, and raved wildly about the excitement of watching the same two people do the same damn thing for three actual days before they came to any kind of resolution on the massively important issue of which one of them is fractionally better at tennis than the other.

One such spectator, Malexander Testiclave, said: nothing, because I've just made him up, because I didn't want to drag out the agony any longer by hanging around interviewing people, because fuck tennis.

I am so quitting once I've filed this. I bet they don't even read or edit it before putting it out. Fuck this place.

(inspired by this)

No comments:

Post a Comment