Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Jesus statue destroyed by lightning

A 60-foot tall sculpture of Jesus Christ was struck by lightning and burned down this week, as a direct result of the wrathful vengeance of the Lord our God.

The idolatrous depiction titled King of Kings, and known colloquially as "Touchdown Jesus", was almost completely destroyed in the resulting fire, leaving the metal frame as the only remnant of this grave offence unto the Lord. God himself was unavailable for comment, and so the exact reason for his fury that led to this destructive act remains unknown.

One curious theory has been attracting some comment, however. The unusual notion has been put forward that this may have been merely a natural occurrence, and not the action of an irate deity at all.

"I believe that lightning is, in fact, an atmospheric discharge of electrical energy," said Yementine Igneous, who described himself as a 'Scientist', although no record could be found of a god named Scien or any of his worshippers ever existing. "It can occur all over the world, all the time, whenever the right meteorological conditions exist. Nature is a great and powerful force, which you and your gods would be wise to respect."

He then abruptly yelled: "Smite the believer! Drive out the inf... um... drive out the fidel!" He continued along similar lines, and began meandering away down the road.

Such crackpot theories are not taken seriously by respectable theographers, who recognise the far more parsimonious and sensible explanation - that God has expressed his displeasure with this inadequate monument to his superior might - and are hastening to act in accordance with this expression of God's wishes.

What is less generally agreed upon, however, is how the faithful should best respond to this event. Commentators are divided as to whether it should be read as a wider condemnation of all such statues, even of more modest size.

"Everyone knows that God will strike down with fire from above that which displeases him," said Christoby Vex, the resident Ineffable Professor of St. Othello's College, Cambford. "But was King of Kings the only such statue which he judged a blight on his perfect glory? Did this one sculpture simply reach too far, going beyond the bounds of where it is right for mankind to explore? Or was this merely the most symbolic target against which God chose to express his ire at all blasphemously imperfect depictions of the beauteous visage of his Son? The answer is not clear without deep prayer and contemplation. The Lord moves in mysterious ways."

Added Vex, "It's a real fucker sometimes, that."

Several other large statues of Jesus in various poses of transcendent wisdom and greatness are being dismantled all over the country, in clear obedience of God's will. There are also numerous reports of people taking down the crucifixes on the walls of their homes and burning them, but spokespeople from all the major theographical think tanks have issued reports emphasising that this is probably not necessary.

(inspired by this)

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