Rush Limbaugh to marry again

It was announced this weekend that a new breeding programme is to be instigated for conservative commentator and talk radio host Rush Limbaugh.

33-year-old biological researcher Kathryn Rogers proposed the scheme, after spending several years familiarising herself with the Limbaugh creature in its native environment. Hers will be the fourth attempt to assist it in producing offspring.

She faces much criticism for this move, as a growing movement has recently sought to condemn any such attempts. In 2006, a minority extremist fringe declared that any efforts to breed Rush Limbaugh, or in any way exacerbate the condition of his genetic lineage, should be criminalised and punishable by up to ten years in jail. This fringe group is now occupied by approximately 83% of the planet's adult population.

But Rogers is pressing on with her project, insisting that her personal emotional attachment to the creature is her primary motivation, and she is unmoved by the humanitarian concerns raised by the possibility of the rest of us having to put up with the offspring of this wretched beast.

"Oh... oh, dear Lord," said Benedict Wafflehaus, an exotic doorknob salesman from Baltimore, on hearing about the programme. "That is barbaric. That is an affront to God. The things I'm picturing now would make the baby Jesus cry, and then shit himself. Why would anyone want to do that?"

Mr Wafflehaus wandered off looking rather unwell before the interview could continue, saying something about watching The Human Centipede to scrub his brain clean.

Although this sickening research has been widely condemned, there are those who insist that this is no particular reason to be concerned. Donnie Cantankerank, a liberal blogger who has been scorned personally on Limbaugh's radio show, says that the breeding programme is a very minor concern when viewed in context.

"This is a guy who argued against giving emergency aid to Haiti, wants to re-introduce racial segregation, and compared the Abu Ghraib atrocities to a fraternity prank," he pointed out. "A lot of people consider this man the de facto leader of the Republican party. And we're worrying about his hideous, disgusting sex life? Please."

Whether or not these examples of Rush Limbaugh's deplorable status as a hateful excuse for a human being will, in the long-term, prove to be a more valid or entertaining source of criticism than his repulsive physical presence, remains to be seen.

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UK's coalition government still unstable

A full two weeks after David Cameron assumed the office of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, his coalition government has still not been deemed viable by experts.

The election of May 6th caused the country severe governmental trauma, and the nation's most capable political surgeons had to move fast to ensure that it didn't start haemorrhaging democracy and bleed out. Just as the Conservatives had predicted, the ensuing hung parliament was a disaster that nearly tore a once-great nation apart.

Thankfully, due to skilful emergency intervention, a coalition government was formed, and levels of national turmoil and dissent began to stabilise. However, it remains uncertain whether the current stitched-together arrangement will be able to hold out.

The two coalition party leaders, PM David Cameron and Deputy PM Nick Clegg, are due to return to the operating theatre tonight, where doctors will make another attempt at fusing their two bodies together while allowing them to continue to exist as a viable organism. It is hoped that this difficult sixteen-hour procedure will provide some much-needed solidity, on which the coalition can proceed to build a working government.

Critics of the "First Past The Post" electoral system have pointed out that this kind of dangerous and rarely tested surgery could be avoided completely by implementing a fairer system of voting.

But right-wing activists continue to denounce the genetic engineering processes of proportional representation as "playing God" and "tampering with forces we do not understand".