McDonald's collectable glasses recalled

Fast food chain McDonald's has recalled millions of drinking glasses which may contain cadmium on their painted designs, it was announced today.

This latest move to deny children of the tasty chemicals they so crave has been widely criticised, particularly by the under-9s. Early polling data reveals that, following this decision, up to 72% of children agree with the assessment of McDonald's as "big meanies".

Parents are also less than impressed by the unreasonableness of this decision. Miffy Fotheringay, a bioactivimetrographist and mother of three, was dismayed at the lack of cadmium-painted drinks containers when getting lunch for her spawn earlier today.

"I think it's disgraceful the way this big corporation thinks it can shatter my children's hopes and dreams," she said. "All they've ever wanted is to drink hyper-sweetened carbonated beverages from a glass with that cartoon Scotch fellow on the side and lap up the delicious cadmium residue. They were just saying so this morning."

"And anyway," she explained, "it's in batteries. I've seen it written on the sides. So it'll give them energy. That's science. McDonald's are tyrants who want my poor babies to grow so weak and feeble they can't even fetch me my cigarettes."

A spokesman for McDonald's was not available for comment as the Half-Truth went to press, but I bet he'd have said something really horrid like: "Cry all you want, children, but I've taken away all your delicious cadmium-shakes, and you're not getting them back! Mwahahaha!"

"And Christmas is cancelled!" he would probably have added.

(inspired by this)

"Kitten flu" pandemic danger

Even as the vaccinations for H1N1 - commonly known as "swine flu" - are being prepared for rolling out across much of the world, a new strain of the influenza virus is already causing panic, and provoking speculation about a global outbreak.

Dubbed "kitten flu" because of its tendency to spread to humans from domesticated felines, the new strain already has 17 confirmed cases in northern California, having only been recognised this week as a distinct form of the disease. It is thought to be so virulent due to the high proportion of potential carriers in the population - specifically, anyone who finds small furry kittens adorable.

Also contributing to the high rate of transmission (which epidemiologists have described as "alarming") is the fact that, on being warned that a particular feline is a carrier for the disease, many humans will scoop up said epicentre of infection and nuzzle against it enthusiastically, declaring confidently that such a cute fuzzy wuzzy kitten could never spread any nasty diseases, could he now, no he couldn't.

Doctors are strongly advising the public against deliberately rubbing their faces in the flu virus.

Although many health professionals are concerned about the possibility of a kitten flu pandemic, they have also cautioned against unnecessary panic at this stage. "The chances of the virus spreading nationally are still small," said the American Medical Association in a press release today. "The most likely scenario is that it will simply fade away in a fairly short time, much like baby hedgehog flu did a few years ago."